Football Brainiac

Within the Ohio River Scrolls, archaeologists have also found The Incontrovertible Laws of Football which appear to be the football equivalent of “The Ten Commandments”. These commandments are the essence of all 667 laws documented in the scrolls - which only the most studious football scholars have access to (the Football Brainiac being one of them). These laws have never before been released to the public. Here are the first four of ten laws with commentary on each one.

THE INCONTROVERTIBLE LAWS OF FOOTBALL

1. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
   America’s Judeo-Christian culture typically views the Sabbath as Saturday or Sunday, but many football scholars have questioned the interpretation of the word “Sabbath” in these scrolls. A small sect of researchers in the mid 1960’s believed that, according to the ancient Egyptian calendar, “Sabbath” in these scrolls acutally means Monday. The NFL quickly took advantage of this new interpretation and established Monday Night Football in 1970.
   
   While there has been no agreement by these intellectuals on what day is truly the Sabbath, some allege that the success over the past three-plus decades of MNF is directly attributed to the football gods’ pleasure in the NFL finally honoring the true holy day.
   
   While holiday games such as Thanksgiving have been a time-honored tradition, all scholars agree that games held on days other than the Sabbath (Saturday, Sunday or Monday - whichever iterpretation you use) are outright blasphemy. It has been an overwhelming conclusion that Thursday night games are a feeble attempt by the NFL at making more money from fans and television networks. It is also believed that this kind of action stirs up the football gods’ anger against teams who play these games and can sometimes seriously hinder them later on in the season.
2. Thou shalt play on grass
   The complete context of this commandment reads:

   “Thou shalt only play on grass fields and no other. Do not be deceived. Grass I have chosen and all others I have despised. For the football gods are jealous, punishing the children for the iniquity of the parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject grass.”

   It’s downright prophetic how the Gods knew man would defy this proclamation and utilize astroturf in the 1970s. For years, athletes suffered career-ending injuries due to the faux playing surface. And we are just recently (three generations later) seeing the football gods’ blessings return for our obedience. (Note: early evidence seems to suggest that “field turf” and other synthetic grass has the football gods’ blessings as well,but this evidence is still sketchy.)



3. Thou shalt not put thyself on a pedestal
   Commandments 3-6 appear to be written with the athlete’s personal outlook in mind.
   
   The first of these laws reinforces the attitude that each player needs the others on his team to succeed. In other words, it’s a team game not a solo event. We’ve all seen players who defy this decree and hurt themselves as well as their team in the process and, unfortunately, this trend seems to be growing in the NFL. Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, the early Randy Moss, and others like them who constantly make the game about them hurt themselves, but more improtantly, hurt their team’s chances of lasting success.
4. Thou shalt play thy part and no other
   

   “And the next law is liken to it: thou shalt play thy part in the game and no other. Thou hast one task to perform and no other. Two tasks are too much for thee. Three tasks are out of the question. Nay, thou shalt only perform one task and one task only shalt thou perform.”

   This law addresses a common abomination akin to many football athletes: the desire to do too much on a play or take matters into their own hands during a game. Each player is commanded to trust his teammate and perform only the task that has been assigned to him. Then, and only then, can the team will function as one unit and be more effective on the field.