Football Brainiac

The “Incontrovertible Laws of Football”, as they are known, are described more fully in my last post. Briefly, these commandments are the essence of all 667 laws documented in the scrolls. Remember, these laws have never before been released to the public. Here are the laws with commentary on each one.

THE INCONTROVERTIBLE LAWS OF FOOTBALL

Laws one through four have already been covered in my previous post, but are listed again for your reading pleasure:

1. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
2. Thou shalt play on grass
3. Thou shalt not put thyself on a pedestal
4. Thou shalt play thy part and no other
5. Thou shalt not disrespect thy opponent
   Players that disrespect their opponents do so for two reasons and both are detrimental to their team:
   1. They feel that either their team or they themselves are superior to their opponent.
   2. They are trying to gain media attention for themselves (for reasons too numerous to mention here). This is in direct violation to the 3rd commandment listed above, “Thou shalt not put thyself on a pedestal.”

   Each player is commanded to show an adequate amount of respect to his opponent because “on any given Sunday”, as the adage goes, their next opponent could be the better team or player. Best to stay humble and let your play on the field speak for itself.

6. Thou shalt not murder thy coach
   
   Even though coaches were known to be stoned to death for their team’s poor productivity as late as the 3rd Century, most scholars agree that the word murder in these scrolls actually means “to hastily dispose of.”
   
   The translation, then, would imply that franchise owners who fire coaches prematurely or players that speaking critically of their coaches are “disposing of them hastily.” This is in direct disobedience to the 6th Commandment.
7. Thou shalt not turneth the ball over
   Committing turnovers is an unforgivable sin to the football gods. No other mistake in a game can turn the fortunes of a team like a turnover, whether you are on the giving or receiving end of one. Coaches would do well to preach this commandment vehemently to their players. For as it is written in the Scrolls:

   
   Wherefore the gods say unto you: All manner of terrible and foolish playing shall be forgiven thee. But the blasphemy committed in which thou turneth the ball over shall not be forgiven. Verily, we say, holdeth on to thy ball!
   

8. Thou shalt honor the run
   
   It is well known by football enthusiasts that the forward pass was not used to any great length until the 1950s. However, what many people do not know is that the forward pass was widely utilized in ancient times which is why the 8th commandment exists.
   
   Please understand that using the forward pass is a valuable asset in any offensive arsenal, but the football gods have warned mankind of the evils that those who solely rely on the pass will endure (why do you think King Tut died at such an early age?).
   
   To this same extent, defensively, you must honor the run as well. Teams who can run the ball well and stop the run on the defensive side of the ball show the run the honor it deserves and appease the football gods.
9. Thou shalt pressure thy opponent
   The 9th Commandment is the first document in recorded history that contains a scientific equation:

   
   “The degree of pressure a quarterback feeleth from his opponent is equal to the degree of mistakes he maketh.”
   

   This self-explanatory equation clearly describes that for a defense to be successful they must pressure their opponent’s quarterback. When they do, he will unavoidably break the 7th commandment and turn the ball over all but assuring victory for your team!

10. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s players
    This last commandment is one of the more intriguing laws found in the Ohio River Scrolls. The football gods evidently frowned upon the timeless urge that so many people have to covet, or desire, players from other teams. It is written, “…grow thy team in they own soil” which would suggest that each team should cultivate its own talent.
    
    However, trades do not always seem to provoke the gods’ ire. As a matter of fact, the earliest trade in football history is found in the Scrolls. It is recorded that the Cairo Condors traded two Hebrews to an unnamed team for a “Carrier” (today’s equivalent of a running back) named Runnenoften.
    
    In light of today’s feeding frenzy that is Free Agency, team owners are cautioned to use this tool sparingly so as to not aggravate the gods.