Football Brainiac

Pittsburgh 3 - Miami 0

“I wanna know have you ever seen the rain”
- Credence Clearwater Revival

What do you get when you cross two sloppy teams playing on a sloppy field in sloppy weather? That’s right. A sloppy game!

Quick Thoughts
It remains to be seen what this game really is: a sign of things to come for the Steelers offense or just an anomaly. Pittsburgh continued to move the ball effectively just as they had done against the Jets, but the mistakes! Oh my God, the mistakes! I counted five sacks, three drive-killing penalties and an interception. Against any other team in the NFL, this probably would have been a defeat no matter what the weather.

My endless bickering about the offensive line’s performance continues for another week. But despite their play, Willie Parker gained 81 yards (He earned every inch of ‘em, too!) and Roethlisberger completed 15 straight passes. So there is a bit of a silver lining to this fiasco.

The defense records its second shutout of the season. I don’t know why more people aren’t making a big deal of this. Yes, it was Miami. Yes, the conditions were terrible. But it’s not easy to keep a team scoreless for 60 minutes let alone two teams! The two times Miami moved the ball deeper into Steeler territory, they stepped up and made big plays. Great job once again boys!

The special teams were pretty good all around in this one, again that is taking the weather into consideration. Credit Daniel Sepulveda for single-handedly eliminating the Dolphins return game (more on that in the “Hidden Plays” section below).

So, to me, it remains to be seen just what is going on with our Steelers. The defense is looking solid. The special teams are… well… “short-yellow-bus” special. But what’s up with the offense? Is it a mid-season slump? Or just a bump in the road? We’ll find out what they’re really made of when against their next three opponents: Cincinnati, New England and Jacksonville.

Hidden Play of the Game
“Hidden Plays” are the ones you rarely see in the highlights, but they are key performances that help determine the outcome of a game.

In my opinion there was not one, but five hidden plays in this game. They were the five punts by Daniel Sepulveda. The more I see this guy kick the more I like him. His foot seems to have a radar for the goal line. In each of his five punts, Dolphins return man, Ted Ginn Jr, had to call for a fair catch. Each of those punts ended in Miami territory at the:

• 14 yard line
• 19 yard line
• 11 yard line
• 6 yard line
• 10 yard line

This field position was just too much for the inept Miami offense to overcome and it gave the Steelers defense a great opportunity to pin them back.
If it were not for his great kicking, the offense would not have had nine opportunities to start from mid-field or better and finally score some points for the victory.

Missed Opportunities
“Missed Opportunities” are the crucial points in a game that teams fail to take advantage of. The consequences can sometimes be disasterous.

This is the second week in a row where I get say, “there were just so many to choose from”, and that’s not a good thing at all. For the seond week in a row, the offense moved the ball up and down the field only to turn it over, take a sack or cause a penalty to stymie the drive.
My vote for the biggest missed opportunity, though, has to be on the first drive of the game. The Steelers move to the Dolphins 29 yard line in seven plays and the passing game is looking good. Ben throws short to Hines Ward. Too short. In fact it looked as if he was playing catch with Joey Porter. He threw it right to him for the interception.
Had the Steelers even settled for a field goal inistead of turning the ball over, it would have been enough to win from the start. Who knows? It could have seriously affected the Dolphins mindset and put Pittsburgh in control early on.

Quote of the Game
“I feel like I’ve been running on the beach for three hours. It took everything we could just to stand up.”
- Kendall Simmons

So what’s your analysis of the game? Come and tell the Swami what you think!

Within the Ohio River Scrolls, archaeologists have also found The Incontrovertible Laws of Football which appear to be the football equivalent of “The Ten Commandments”. These commandments are the essence of all 667 laws documented in the scrolls - which only the most studious football scholars have access to (the Football Brainiac being one of them). These laws have never before been released to the public. Here are the first four of ten laws with commentary on each one.

THE INCONTROVERTIBLE LAWS OF FOOTBALL

1. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
   America’s Judeo-Christian culture typically views the Sabbath as Saturday or Sunday, but many football scholars have questioned the interpretation of the word “Sabbath” in these scrolls. A small sect of researchers in the mid 1960’s believed that, according to the ancient Egyptian calendar, “Sabbath” in these scrolls acutally means Monday. The NFL quickly took advantage of this new interpretation and established Monday Night Football in 1970.
   
   While there has been no agreement by these intellectuals on what day is truly the Sabbath, some allege that the success over the past three-plus decades of MNF is directly attributed to the football gods’ pleasure in the NFL finally honoring the true holy day.
   
   While holiday games such as Thanksgiving have been a time-honored tradition, all scholars agree that games held on days other than the Sabbath (Saturday, Sunday or Monday - whichever iterpretation you use) are outright blasphemy. It has been an overwhelming conclusion that Thursday night games are a feeble attempt by the NFL at making more money from fans and television networks. It is also believed that this kind of action stirs up the football gods’ anger against teams who play these games and can sometimes seriously hinder them later on in the season.
2. Thou shalt play on grass
   The complete context of this commandment reads:

   “Thou shalt only play on grass fields and no other. Do not be deceived. Grass I have chosen and all others I have despised. For the football gods are jealous, punishing the children for the iniquity of the parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject grass.”

   It’s downright prophetic how the Gods knew man would defy this proclamation and utilize astroturf in the 1970s. For years, athletes suffered career-ending injuries due to the faux playing surface. And we are just recently (three generations later) seeing the football gods’ blessings return for our obedience. (Note: early evidence seems to suggest that “field turf” and other synthetic grass has the football gods’ blessings as well,but this evidence is still sketchy.)



3. Thou shalt not put thyself on a pedestal
   Commandments 3-6 appear to be written with the athlete’s personal outlook in mind.
   
   The first of these laws reinforces the attitude that each player needs the others on his team to succeed. In other words, it’s a team game not a solo event. We’ve all seen players who defy this decree and hurt themselves as well as their team in the process and, unfortunately, this trend seems to be growing in the NFL. Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, the early Randy Moss, and others like them who constantly make the game about them hurt themselves, but more improtantly, hurt their team’s chances of lasting success.
4. Thou shalt play thy part and no other
   

   “And the next law is liken to it: thou shalt play thy part in the game and no other. Thou hast one task to perform and no other. Two tasks are too much for thee. Three tasks are out of the question. Nay, thou shalt only perform one task and one task only shalt thou perform.”

   This law addresses a common abomination akin to many football athletes: the desire to do too much on a play or take matters into their own hands during a game. Each player is commanded to trust his teammate and perform only the task that has been assigned to him. Then, and only then, can the team will function as one unit and be more effective on the field.

The Ohio River Scrolls consist of roughly 900 scrolls discovered between 1870 and 1876 in eleven small caves in and around Sewickley, PA, on the northeast shore of the Ohio River.

The texts are of great historical significance, as they include practically the only known surviving copies of antique football documents written, and preserve evidence of significant edicts that were meant to be observed.

Many of the scrolls are now housed in a secret vault known only to a few at the NFL Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, OH.

Discovery

It is generally accepted that a West Virginia goat or sheep-herder by the name of Heffelfinger (nicknamed “Pudgy”) made the first discovery toward the beginning of 1870. In the most commonly told story the shepherd threw a rock into a cave in an attempt to drive out a missing animal under his care. The shattering sound of pottery drew him into the cave, where he found several ancient jars containing scrolls wrapped in linen.

Date & Contents

According to carbon dating, textual analysis, and handwriting analysis the documents were written at various times between the middle of the 2nd century BC and the 1st century AD. They are believed to have been lost somewhere around the 4th Century when Alexander the Great conquered Persia because there have been no artifacts of the sport discovered after this time period.

The Nash Papyrus from Egypt, containing a copy of the Ten Commandments, is the only other document of comparable antiquity. While some of these scrolls were written on papyrus, a good portion were written on a brownish animal hide that scientists have confirmed to be wild pig. Many scholars believe this why we refer to a football as a “pigskin” to this day.

Important texts include the so-called “Manual of Discipline”, which gives much information on the structure and methodology of the sport, and the earliest version of the forward pass. Two other documents, the “Hook & Lateral Scrolls”, appear to list actual gadget plays as well as ancient blitz packages and even cheerleaders, has probably excited the greatest attention. Other texts also include “The War in the Trenches”, “It Is What It Is” and “The Art of the Pass”.

The Oldest Scroll

The scroll that is believed to be the first manuscript written has been simply called “The Genesis Document”. This document tells of a man named Amos, who in obedience to the football gods, created the first football and even erected the first football stadium.

“And the gods said unto Amos, The beginning of all sport is come. Behold, make thee a quadrilateral orb from the hide of a cloven beast. Yea, also make thee a field. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the field shall be one hundred cubits and the breadth of it fifty cubits. Contain the field with benches of gopher wood with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. And, behold, I, even I, will bring the people. For if you build it they will come.”

Within the Ohio River Scrolls, archaeologists have also found The Incontrovertible Laws of Football which appear to be the football equivalent of “The Ten Commandments”. These commandments are the essence of all 667 laws documented in the scrolls - which only the most studious football scholars have access to (the Football Brainiac being one of them).

And now, thanks to the Football Brainiac, The Incontrovertible Laws of Football, which have never before been released to the public can be viewed in their entirety. Be cautioned, though. Each reader should check his heart before you going this page. Make sure you have a pure and clean conscience. For ye mortals do not want to stir up the wrath of the football gods!