Football Brainiac

“Ya gotta read between the lines.” That’s what one of my old bosses used to say. I took it to heart this week as I listened to Mike Tomlin’s final press conference of the 2007 season. Let me tell you, he might not be very emotional, but this guy is one tough dude! Below are some of the highlights of his press conference and what he really meant by them.

(about the loss to Jacksonville) “It was an emotional game. It was a gut-wrenching defeat, but every January defeat I have experienced has been the same.”

Translation: I wanted to cry like a 10 year old girl cuz that loss really hurt. But you know what? This game is tough. You gotta be tough if want to be a champ. I’m tough. I’m a man and I’ll take it like a man.

(about going for the 2-point conversion from the 12 yard line) “Yes, I’d do it again. I throw caution to the wind. I play to win.”

Translation: I got balls the size of an elephant. I don’t care what any of you people say. I’ll b**ch-slap ya right here!

(about the call to run Ben on 3rd and six at the end of the game) “Hindsight is 20-15 sometimes. If you had it to do over, yes, you would love to do that (throw the ball) because the result of the play was not the result we were looking for.”

Translation: Hindsight is more like 31-29. Boy did I screw that call up! But you know what? I aint gonna cry over it. Cuz I’m a man’s man. I aint got time. I’m gonna take a week or two off. Eat a lot of red meat, drink some Iron City Beer, sleep with my wife and get back to work. Cuz that’s what a real man does!

(about the coaching staff) “Do we need to get better? Do we need to coach better in some areas, all areas? Absolutely.”

Translation: I’ll keep these guys around, but there’s a couple suckas that are gonna get smacked down if they don’t improve. And I’ll do it right here in front of all you people. Why? Cuz of those elephant-sized testicles of mine. That’s why!

(on the play of the offensive line) “The protection of our quarterback has to improve.”

Translation: The protection of our quarterback has to improve. What else ya want me to say?

(about the poor kick coverage) “I wasn’t interested in throwing up a red flag and saying, ‘Hey, I am worried about special teams,’ but obviously I was.”

Translation: We stunk on special teams like a 2 year old’s dirty diaper. It scared the bejeezus out of me everytime we kicked off. I didn’t want to admit it to you folks cuz, well, have I mentioned my elephant gonads?

(on his first year as coach and how the Steelers did this year) “We’re a good team. That’s what 10-6 teams are, what division champions are. We’ve got to be great. One of the things that has bugged me since Saturday night are people with great intentions saying, ‘Great start’ and ‘great year.’ I appreciate that, but I am not wired like that… There is something we are chasing here and we never will cease that chase.”

Translation: Don’t come to me with your sissy talk. I don’t wanna hear it. I want Super Bowl rings. Lots of ‘em! I’m here to chew bubble gum and kick a**. And I’m all out of bubble gum.