Football Brainiac

As any Steelers fan would know, the NFL’s 2008 season was announced yesterday. I figured that since we’re now all talking about the upcoming season with a little more clarity, this would be a great time to get my blogging butt back in gear, too.

I have been on hiatus for the last couple months because I just have a hard time getting into the whole “mock draft” stuff. I’m not knocking those who do, but I just don’t follow college football enough to know who’s good and who’s a wasted pick. I’ll leave that part up to the Mel Kipers of the world.

I want to start our 2008 blogging season with a good ol’ fashioned rant about why this year’s NFL schedule, overall, is a complete joke.

The “geniuses” who came up with this rediculously lopsided agenda have set new lows this season. The scheduling formula was supposed to be a chance to create a more fair slate of games for “lesser teams” and combine that with the draft order (worst drafts first) to give all 32 NFL teams an opportunity to reach the postseason each and every year. They have taken that idea and promptly flushed it down the toilet with common sense.

Let’s start with Monday Night Football. The original idea behind MNF is that it places both teams in the national spotlight which, in turn, increases the game’s fan base. Teams usually fall into one of two categories for MNF: 1) playoff teams and 2) teams with a large fan base.

Let’s start with playoff teams. How many of the 32 slots playing on MNF this season are playoff teams from last year? 14. Not even half! The playoff teams with the most appearances are Green Bay (3) and Pitsburgh (2). The amazing, theoretically unbeatable, and astounding New England Patriots: 1. The Super Bowl Champion New York Giants: 1. The Colts: 1. The Cowboys: 1. The only other team that has a large national fan base that didn’t make the playoffs are the Raiders (1 appearance). The Seahawks (who have won the NFC West 4 years in a row)aren’t on MNF at all.

So who is appearing in the other 19 spots on the national stage? Leading the way is the Cleveland Browns with 3 appearances. Followed by the Broncos, Eagles, Saints and Vikings (each with 2 appearances).

Now the Broncos and Eagles I can understand. These two teams have made the playoffs most of the last few years. But the 7 spots filled by Cleveland, Minnnesota and New Orleans is ludicrous. These teams have four playoff spots between them this decade and only one since 2003. It’s obvious that Cleveland is the NFL’s 2008 version of the 49ers (It wouldn’t surprise me if they end up the same way, either). And we know that Adrian Peterson and Reggie Bush are playmakers, but come on. This isn’t basketball, it’s football - a team sport!

I don’t normally look at whether a game is a prime time game like the media does to judge the challenge of a schedule. To me, Monday, Thursday and Saturday games are the biggest indicator. Why? Becuase of the amount of days the team has to prepare the following week. More games with four or five days rest make it more difficult for a team to stay at their best.

So, looking at it this way, who has the most challenging go of it in 2008? Cleveland has four of these types of games. Pittsburgh, Denver, Dallas, Philadelphia, Green Bay and New Orleans have 3. Only half of these teams actually made the playoffs last season.

Teams that had winning records last year with the fewest of these challenges include (get this) all playoff teams! The division winning Giants, Buccaneers and Seahawks (1 each) and the Patriots, Colts, Jaguars, Chargers and Titans (2 each).

I think this is outrageous that perennial winners like the Colts and Patriots and Divison winners (not to mention Super Bowl Champs) get 1 appearance.

This is NOT FAIR to the “lesser teams”. Teams like the Texans, Chiefs, even Bills will have a harder time trying to win their divisions becuase the teams that usually make the playoffs have mroe time to rest and prepare.

Does anyone else feel the way I do or is it just me?

“Ya gotta read between the lines.” That’s what one of my old bosses used to say. I took it to heart this week as I listened to Mike Tomlin’s final press conference of the 2007 season. Let me tell you, he might not be very emotional, but this guy is one tough dude! Below are some of the highlights of his press conference and what he really meant by them.

(about the loss to Jacksonville) “It was an emotional game. It was a gut-wrenching defeat, but every January defeat I have experienced has been the same.”

Translation: I wanted to cry like a 10 year old girl cuz that loss really hurt. But you know what? This game is tough. You gotta be tough if want to be a champ. I’m tough. I’m a man and I’ll take it like a man.

(about going for the 2-point conversion from the 12 yard line) “Yes, I’d do it again. I throw caution to the wind. I play to win.”

Translation: I got balls the size of an elephant. I don’t care what any of you people say. I’ll b**ch-slap ya right here!

(about the call to run Ben on 3rd and six at the end of the game) “Hindsight is 20-15 sometimes. If you had it to do over, yes, you would love to do that (throw the ball) because the result of the play was not the result we were looking for.”

Translation: Hindsight is more like 31-29. Boy did I screw that call up! But you know what? I aint gonna cry over it. Cuz I’m a man’s man. I aint got time. I’m gonna take a week or two off. Eat a lot of red meat, drink some Iron City Beer, sleep with my wife and get back to work. Cuz that’s what a real man does!

(about the coaching staff) “Do we need to get better? Do we need to coach better in some areas, all areas? Absolutely.”

Translation: I’ll keep these guys around, but there’s a couple suckas that are gonna get smacked down if they don’t improve. And I’ll do it right here in front of all you people. Why? Cuz of those elephant-sized testicles of mine. That’s why!

(on the play of the offensive line) “The protection of our quarterback has to improve.”

Translation: The protection of our quarterback has to improve. What else ya want me to say?

(about the poor kick coverage) “I wasn’t interested in throwing up a red flag and saying, ‘Hey, I am worried about special teams,’ but obviously I was.”

Translation: We stunk on special teams like a 2 year old’s dirty diaper. It scared the bejeezus out of me everytime we kicked off. I didn’t want to admit it to you folks cuz, well, have I mentioned my elephant gonads?

(on his first year as coach and how the Steelers did this year) “We’re a good team. That’s what 10-6 teams are, what division champions are. We’ve got to be great. One of the things that has bugged me since Saturday night are people with great intentions saying, ‘Great start’ and ‘great year.’ I appreciate that, but I am not wired like that… There is something we are chasing here and we never will cease that chase.”

Translation: Don’t come to me with your sissy talk. I don’t wanna hear it. I want Super Bowl rings. Lots of ‘em! I’m here to chew bubble gum and kick a**. And I’m all out of bubble gum.

• Art Rooney II: “I resolve to never allow the great Pittsburgh Steelers organization to ever have a mascot again. Yumpin Yiminy! What was I thinking? Steely McBeam? Sounds like a porn star! May God forgive me.”
• Kevin Colbert (Steelers Head of Football Operations): “I resolve to acquire offensive linemen in the offseason to protect our number one asset - Ben Roethlisberger.”
• Anthony Smith: “I resolve to keep my mouth shut and play football. ‘Nuff said.”
• Bruce Arians & Dick LeBeau: “We resolve not to out-think ourselves when calling plays. Instead we’ll make sure we focus more on lining up and kicking our opponents in the teeth every down.”
• Sean Mahan: “I resolve to be Mike Webster (circa 1978) reincarnated just in time for the playoffs.”
• Willie Reid: “I resolve to be the kick returner the Steelers drafted me to be rather than the injury-prone fumble machine that I have been.”
• Charlie Batch: “I resolve to wear a helmet that makes me look less like an egghead. I don’t care if I do suffer a career-ending concussion. I can’t do this anymore. Did anyone see me on TV last week? I don’t want to be remembered as the football equivalent of those guys from the Star Wars cantina!”
• Aaron Smith: “I resolve to heal quickly… very quickly.”
• Mike Tomlin: “I resolve to be more cool and collected on the sideline. After all, nobody likes a hothead. WWDD - What Would Dungy Do?”
• Ike Taylor: “I resolve to actually intercept passes that are thrown right into my hands by opposing QBs instead of being the stone hands I have been my entire career.”
• Lawrence Timmons: “I resolve not to be a first round bust.”

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM FOOTBALL BRAINIAC!